Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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