Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
