Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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