a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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