I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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