Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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