from now on my penis is your penis
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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