he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
did i walk over a car last night?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
