he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
