i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
