All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
