The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Randomize
