If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
