I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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