mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
wanna go halves on a baby?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
