is wine microwaveable?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
