After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
