Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
