Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
