somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
