You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
