Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
