I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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