Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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