When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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