I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
