I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
