I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
