I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
