What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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