How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
