i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
