i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
