This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
