I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
