Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
