The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
