your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
