dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
BRING THE BAGELS
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
