I puked a lego.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize