I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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