her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
