Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
