They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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