God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
