He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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