I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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