I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i've created a new STD.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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