come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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