I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
