wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
