I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
