This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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