I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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