I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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