I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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