So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
