he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
