I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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