I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize