who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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