She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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