I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
