just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
