RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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