my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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