your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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