I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
